“ See you in a few years,” she says.
It is weird to already want another child so I can continue to hang out with my midwives.
Okay. I will say. I have a habit of falling in love with people that help me do hard things. It’s something I’ve always done. Something that I’ve kind of had to accept is just WHO I AM. No one could have stopped me from loving my midwives so huge. And being pregnant, giving birth, and being a mom has 100% been the hardest thing I’ve ever done physically.
The first time I fell in love with a healthcare provider was when I was 17 with my eating disorder counsellor. It was like a break up when she got a new job in the middle of my treatment and we could not continue any sort of friendship. Ethics. It was devastating. My next counsellor mostly gave me grief counselling over it.
This feels so similar with all my post partum emotions. Although my sickness was pregnancy. Lol. And actually what was going on with me was right and good (most of the time) and it was something I had prayed for and believed for my whole life. The dream of being a mom. But throughout my pregnancy there were so many times I just felt so wrong… like the time intense nausea hit me 8 days after I found out I was pregnant and lasted until I was 14.5 weeks into my pregnancy.
There was the time I projectile vomited at work and then managed to drive myself home and puke up nothing but fluid and a bit of blood from the heaving for 24 hours. That time I chatted with a midwife multiple times through the night and ended up taking a gravol not by swallowing it. 🫠 She told me as long as I was still peeing I was still hydrated enough for my baby to be alright. It was so nice to have a healthcare professional calm my fears so I didn’t end up overreacting.
There was the time my boobs swelled up like red balloons and I had to send my first nudey pics in my life ever to my midwives. 😂 I ended up in urgent care that evening and the 5 month journey to figure out what was up with Katie’s pregnancy boobs began and led me to 10 other doctors over the course of 5 months, an hour long breast ultrasound, double biopsies, blood tests, two rounds of antibiotics and a 3 month wait to get into a dermatologist who then told me she wasn’t sure what it was. Bilateral mucinosis is what they called it but no one actually seemed sure. I had a week in there while I was waiting to receive test results from my biopsies. So much anxiety over a phone call that started with “good news, it is not cancer.” I’m convinced my boobs were ready to breastfeed 5 months early.
There was the time I started having some pretty intense cramps a month before my due date. I showed up unscheduled and my midwife told me I better take it easy because my baby seemed to be breech and if he was trying to come early I would have to have an emergency c section because his head could get stuck on the way out. He was confirmed breech two days later and then I began a journey of trying to get an ECV to have him flipped manually. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday that week I had to be fasting from 7pm until I knew if I could get in or not. Have you ever tried to fast as an 8 months pregnant human? A big nope for me.
That Wednesday was the time my midwife met me at the hospital for an ECV and reading my reaction upon hearing the intensity of the procedure she asked all the hospital staff to leave the room and give my husband and I a minute to think about it before moving forward. And then later. When the procedure was happening she noticed I wasn’t breathing. And gave me such intense eye contact to breathe 😂. And it worked. 😭 my breech baby was successfully flipped and he stayed upside down. My midwife hugged me that day.
I think there’s something a little weird about the closeness you feel with people who’ve seen you naked. 😂 it’s not a part of many relationships. It’s vulnerable. Even just at every appointment my midwife would feel my belly. Find the uterus. Measure it. Nobody touches my belly, you know? Not to mention the whole Pap test, cervix checking. One of my midwives.. our first appointment in person together was basically like hey nice to finally meet you! Can I see your boobs? 🫠😂
I guess I just didn’t really realize that with a midwife you have truly the best care… but that it ends. And now here I am with a 4 week old little gaffer and I don’t even have a family doctor myself. With all the hard things I went through in my pregnancy, this is the hardest emotionally. While many things I dealt with in my pregnancy were physically challenging this part is has just made me cry so much. But I can only hope I’ll see them again sometime in the not too distant future and we can journey together again to bring more life into the world. Being pregnant was very hard for me but being a mom is one of the biggest dreams realized of my life and I’m so grateful to God for setting me up with the best care possible to see my dream through to a reality.